Sunday, January 01, 2006

27 :

Venus is the goddess of love. There are Gods for everything. Tedia, the goddess of boredom, for example. Agonia, the goddess of pain. And Cocoa, the prosaically named goddess of chocolate.

One day I hope to take Helen to Venice. The city named after the goddess of love. In time. Hopefully.

I shouldn’t hope too much. I shouldn’t want to show her everything. I shouldn’t dream my life away on possible futures that will never arrive. Everytime I did it before, my high hopes were scattered to the wind.

Ask for nothing, and that’s exactly what I’ll get. Hallelujah. I have seen the light. A pessimist is never disappointed.

But us? We were brought together for a reason. The same reason others were torn apart. The same reason that all things happen. Because power is able to be exercised. Because power is there to be used. because life happens. It is not cruel - it doesn’t care if you’re there or not. It just carries on irrespective of you. If something bad happens to you, it is inconsequential. One death is a tragedy. A million a statistic.

Because the Gods made decisions to squeeze our lives down set paths. Like lab rats, we’re an experiment, all of us. We run around down corridors, following set destinations, taking choices (or what appear to be choices), responding to stimuli.

Godzilla. Godzuki. Typhoons. Hurricanes. Kisses from strangers. Being randomly abandoned. We twitch when poked. Our job is to react. A reflex. In loneliness the reflex is to love. In poverty the reflex is to seek security. In life our reflex is always to seek that which we have not.

Somewhere in another dimension, God and the Devil made a bet. God would only grant to heaven those whose behaviour showed virtue. And the Devil believed that Man was, by his very nature, corruptable, weak. And it was time to prove it.

And so, goaded on by the Devil, God tormented a man, with a life of misfortune. A life of debt and penury, a life of servitude to repetitive tasks and menial comforts. I felt that sometimes, just sometimes, he tormented me.

These are our lives. How we live them define our salvation.

God’s fucking with me.

What I didn’t know is that this love was just a chink of light in the night before the cloud fell. What I didn’t know was that God and The Devil were fucking with me. Rolling marbles around on the floor of Heaven in Boredom, closing doors in my face to see my reaction.

And of course, those who are made powerless by the corruption and cruelty of others have no choice. You can’t walk away. You can’t turn your back on God - for when he is everywhere, all-seeing, and all-powerful. And he can spite you in any way he sees fit, at any time, for any reason, yet dare not show his face when injustice raises its ugly head.

The Devil tossed a coin. God shrugged and thought better of influencing which side he landed on. It was about time he had some fun anyway. And to test the strength and faith of a flawed human being.

And with that, my life started to fall to pieces. But I didn’t know that then. I didn’t know it for a long time.

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